It all started with the talented (and funny as hell) Kaui Hart Hemmings, author of The Descendants, How to Party with an Infant, Juniors, House of Thieves, and The Possibilities. You’ve probably seen the movie version of The Descendants, but if you haven’t read the book, you really should. It’s crisp, beautifully crafted, and like its author, laugh-out-loud entertaining in the most unexpected moments.
Descendants book cover
At the time, I was a staff writer covering the entertainment beat for the daily newspaper in Honolulu — a job I loved and did for four years while working on the side for People Magazine and other publications (somewhere in there, I also raised two children). When I heard that something BIG might be happening with Kaui’s book, we met for an interview. I asked her if it had sold well; she shrugged and said, “Not really.” That was about to change!
Little did we know that Writer/Director Alexander Payne’s take on her book, starring George Clooney and Shailene Woodley, would be nominated for five Oscars. Payne and his co-writers later won in the category of Best Adapted Screenplay.
Back to our pre-movie interview: Kaui mentions that I remind her of Elizabeth, the wife/mom character. (Or maybe I suggest it?) I find this super flattering — even though…really, what kind of cheating whore is unfaithful to George Clooney’s character with a loser real estate guy who’s not even that hot? But I digress. Elizabeth is an athlete — an ocean girl, in particular.
One thing leads to another, and the casting director schedules me for a filmed interview. Soon after, they call me back to meet with Alexander Payne. Sideways, Election, and About Schmidt have made me a respectful admirer of his work (because “fan” sounds creepy).
I wear my work clothes because I am, after all, supposed to be at work and not auditioning for a part that will probably get me fired and really and truly not pay the bills.
I bring pictures to show that I can film the athletic flashbacks: Yes, I just paddled from Molokai to Oahu with a badass crew! Yes, I grew up surfing and body surfing! Yes, I SUP! Yes, I’m an open ocean swimmer! Yes, I have done the Ironman Triathlon World Championship and Escape From Alcatraz Triathlons, and made it to the podium in all! Yes, I run a marathon under three hours! Yes, I scuba dive! Yes, I’ve done theater and hosted a TV series! Yes, I understand what it’s like to be a wife and mom! Yes, yes, yes!
Proof for Payne
Before the call back, I hang out with Woody Harrelson. Just us in the small room. We talk about this and that while he waits for his daughter, who’s auditioning for the role of Scotty. This phenomenal actor is down-to-earth, sweet, friendly. Maybe a little high, but who knows or cares? I am with Woody Harrelson, waiting to see Alexander Payne about a role as George Clooney’s (unfaithful, not very nice) wife, and I have crept away from my paying job for 90 minutes to make it happen.
Alexander finishes with Woody’s daughter, comes out, and wants to order lunch. He greets me and I sort of melt. He’s adorable in that super sexy intellectual way that gets me into trouble and marriages with Stanford men.
I try not to stare while he peruses a takeout menu and offers to order lunch for me, too. I’m starving. But eat before or during a screen test with him? Uh…no, thank you.
We walk into the room with the casting director. A bit of chit chat. Then they ask if I’m willing to do something.
Yes.
Not really. They ask me to lie down on the floor in the temporary office — sort of grungy, to be honest — and close my eyes, because the character is comatose after a boating accident. I comply. I can do a lot of things (see my list above!), but keeping my eyes closed does not seem to be one of them.
EPIC FAIL.
Your eyelids flutter a little, they inform me. Well, guys…I’m NERVOUS. I really want this job that will get me fired the real job that gives me health insurance. In reality, I nod politely and apologetically.
They venture: If you get this part, would you consider possibly allowing yourself to be moderately…sedated? To keep the eyelids still?
You may, indeed, open a vein to medicate me while George Clooney cries or yells at me or whatever the scene calls for, I respond. Shall I confirm this in writing? At this very moment?
Why do I want this part? they inquire. Well. I like the idea of being part of Kaui’s work, which I admire. I have a fair amount of on-camera experience, albeit in a different format, as well as some low-level background in theater (emphasis on low-level). Perhaps most importantly, it’s not really a speaking part. Just athletic flashbacks, which seem fun and challenging!
Oh, says the sizzling hot yet polite and refined Mr. Payne. We cut those scenes. There’s only one short boating scene, and then poof. You’re in a coma for the rest of the movie. Think unflattering angles and puffiness, plastic tubes, weeks of shooting. Does that still appeal to you?
What!? I hesitate…then manage a nod.
No matter. I think it came down to two people, and they did not choose me. They invited me to be an extra on set, which sounded boring. They warned me it would be. But I tried. Said hello to Clooney. Said hello to Laird Hamilton, whom I’d already met and interviewed (you know, for the real job). Ate lunch in the Craft Services tent situation. Not bad. Watched the subterfuge of getting Clooney across the street and around paparazzi (it’s a lot). Saw Kaui enjoying the fruits of her genius on set. Chatted endlessly with the guy who was my date at the bar in the scene. Watched Mr. Payne handle the set with aplomb and grace.
It was more monotonous than I possibly could have imagined. Part of my shoulder appeared the movie for 0.00001 seconds.
Have you ever seen the show Extras? (Pause to acknowledge Ricky Gervais, another phenomenal talent.) My experience was like Extras. Only way less cool.
Anyway…it was almost a great story.
Bonus: Alexander Payne has a new movie. Check out the trailer for The Holdovers.